Reboot the World Pt. 2

 Reboot the World

I suck at dealing with things.  I have been through hell and back several times, but despite this, there are many things that I have failed to learn.  I consider this as a personal failure.  I don’t know if it stems from how I grew up, if its from my viewpoint of the world, or what it is, but I seem to have a real problem dealing with things.

Typically, I have always avoided dealing with issues.  I would busy myself most of the time either working, going to school, reading, movies; it doesn’t really matter.  The point is that I have, and still do, avoid dealing with the majority of my issues.  The real problem is that I avoid the most personal issues.  It is these issues that have a direct bearing on how I live my life.  On how I think…and feel.  It shapes my life experience.

I avoid dealing with family issues.  I have been letting them down for as long as I can remember.  I have been letting myself down for even longer.  I look upon myself as a heap of wasted potential.  As someone who is afraid to stand up and be counted.  I don’t consider myself a remarkable person, but I do consider myself someone who possesses the facilities to do remarkable things.  And I have done nothing worthy of mention.  I don’t fully understand why I avoid these things.  Shame is a large part of it.  I have avoided my family for a long time because I consider myself a failure.  Truth be told, we were never a TV class family (do those even exist), but I can’t help but feel that I am a large part of that as well.

I also avoid dealing with the financial aspects of life.  Things have happened in my life recently that have ultimately placed me in a financial position that I have never been in before.  I don’t know if it’s the unfamiliarity of it, or if it is a level of fear and paranoia that has overtaken me, but this aspect of my life has me feeling terrible about myself as well.  I understand that you can’t control job loss and layoffs, and that you can’t control medical bills, and as much as you would like to, you can’t really control whether or not those people that you decide to help out ever pay you back…but it affects me all the same.  I feel like a failure in this regard as well.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was doing well financially.  Hell, this year has had more ups and downs that i ever thought possible.  In the last year alone, I had two incredible  jobs that a person could have been happy with and done very well for themselves and their families.  Unfortunately, I lost those, as well as a job opportunity that I never would have dreamed possible.  I must be honest, this has all done a lot to dampen my spirits.

I also avoid dealing with any sort of situation that may proveMaze that is Me emotionally destructive.  Certain things really affect me.  They affect me because I let them, and I happen to be very particular as to what those things or people are.  When it comes to making decisions in regards to people, I fail miserably.  It is this part of my life that affects me the most.  I have only felt a connection with two people in my entire life.  In one of those cases, things turned out terribly and it really affected me.  At the time, she was the only person that I let gain insight into the real me.  Into what I thought, and felt, and what made me me.  As she went further down the rabbit hole, she became skittish and began to back off.  To be honest, I can’t really blame her.  How could I?  I don’t like being me, how could I expect her to?

As fate would have it, I met someone absolutely amazing.  I was pretty much floored from the beginning, and as time went on, I began to notice that I felt very differently about her.  One of her most striking features is that she has the biggest heart of anyone that I had ever met.  I can’t rehash the details (I don’t have it in me today…), but we ended up falling for each other.  I was finally happy.  Genuinely happy.  As things progressed, naturally she wanted to know more about me.  To my surprise, I was willing to share.  After what had happened previously, I was rather shocked at how naturally it came.  I am not going to lie, there were hiccups along the way, but all things considered, I would say it was rather smooth sailing.  I am afraid that I took her too far out to sea however.  As time went by, she began to distance herself.  Eventually, it came to a point where she said that it was too much for her to deal with.  I don’t want to get into the details, (although I probably should…see, there is that avoidance mechanism again), but I can’t express how bad this made me feel.  In fact, I still haven’t really gained my footing from it.  I had a feeling…a certainty of sorts…about her, and I let her get to know me more than anyone else on the entire planet.  When I realized that it was too much to deal with, it broke my heart in a million pieces.  It reaffirmed all my thoughts and fears that no one in this world could…or would…care about the real me.  I can’t-and won’t-blame her.  There isn’t a person alive that hates me, and how I am, more than I do.  How could I blame her for not wanting to deal  with that?  You know what?  I am going to cut this short.  I can’t describe how this makes me feel or the impact that it has had on my life. 

I made a promise.  Sometimes, its a promise that I wish that I didn’t make.  Going through this is, and has been hell.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  I am going to battle through however because of this promise.  I have begun to wonder what that promise is worth however.  I still hold onto the belief that a promise is a promise however.  Its just getting harder and harder to retain these values in a life like this. 

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~ by jvaudio on April 28, 2009.

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