Hello World: Lost in a Memory
No, this isn’t my first programming exercise. This is a post about the real me and what is going on. I have been sick for several months now. I have been very sick, in fact, and I haven’t been able to shake it. In a terrible analogy, it feels like the Grim Reaper. No matter what you do, you can’t ever get rid of it.
If you know me, then you know that I am a private person. This is a problem for me because I seek to be a public person. These two sides clash, and they leave a wake of utter destruction in their path. I have a tendency to present a manufactured view of myself to people in the hopes that that is what they want. Here’s the rub: someone in my life was beginning to change that viewpoint of mine. I believed it so strongly, but as time went by, I began to notice that I didn’t feel so strongly about it anymore. In fact, I questioned its validity altogether. I never abandoned the idea altogether however. It had been established for too long of a period, and the effects that it had upon me during its formation were too deep to simply wipe away in a weekend.
When it comes to the real Jerry, I have only let two people in, and only one of them into my thought process. The reason for that, is that every single person in my life has left me. This is an undeniable fact. When I was growing up, I felt that way a lot, and it very much became a part of who I am. I met two people in my life who were able to change that deeply held belief. The first one won me over with her tempestuous behavior and the fact that I felt that she genuinely cared about me. I hadn’t experienced such a feeling before, and that made it all the stronger. There were however, many indicators along the way that this person wasn’t meant to be in my life either. I seen the indicators along the road, and I knew that she would leave someday.
The second person was a much more genuine thing. I was completely won over by how interesting she was. I had never met someone with such a big heart; the best way I can describe it is that she has a presence. I was in awe of her interests, her goals…it didn’t take long for her personality to win me over as well. The single most important thing, for me, about her was that I felt comfortable around her. I felt like I could tell her anything and that she would be there for me, because that is the kind of person she is. It was a feeling that I never had before, and I was very taken by her. In fact, she was taken by me for a little while as well. It was the single greatest feeling I have ever had, and to try and say how much it helped me through the hard times wouldn’t do it justice. Here was someone that I, Jerry Voelker, truly loved. It was everything about her, and it was how she made me feel.
As we began to develop a relationship, I began to let her into more aspects of my life. Typically, I don’t do that because the more people know about me, the faster they run away. But I felt like I could tell her anything. It was so liberating! Therein lies the problem: I told her too much. She never would admit to it in the beginning (because who would?), but I was always afraid that as she got to know me more and more, that she would leave. She denied this. Adamantly. I loved her, and I chose to believe her. This proved to be disastrous for her, for me, and for us.
I had placed a lot of things on her shoulders. I can’t express how sorry I am for doing that. I didn’t want to do it, but it was at her insistence that I tell her everything that I broke down those walls. It helped me on one hand, but on the other, it broke my heart. She tried to hide it, but I could tell that she was distancing herself. As this is, and has been my greatest fear, it put me into panic mode. Shit, just typing it now has increased my heartbeat 20 BPM. I didn’t want to be right. Not this time. If I was right, it meant that I was wrong. Could I have been wrong?
The moment that my heart broke may seem innocuous to anyone still reading this. We were talking about her and I. She was aware that I loved her, but she said something that tears me up just retyping it. She said that maybe all of my feelings towards her weren’t real. That perhaps I felt that way because I was looking for something. Wow.
My heart broke. I think what’s left, broke again just typing it. Not only did it create this feeling of how little my opinion matters…that perhaps I don’t know how I feel…it signaled that she clearly didn’t feel the same way. There is no way that you could say such a thing to someone that you love. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to do anything. Fuck work. Fuck school. Fuck the doctor. Fuck all. I did my best to keep going however. There was some good news at the time. I couldn’t help but feel that me being sick was the largest factor into why she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I was getting better, so perhaps…
That wouldn’t be the case however. She felt extremely distant. She quit talking about herself to me, and her conversations only centered around how I was doing. Once that information was taken care of, that was it. I would like to make clear that this wasn’t every time, but it was on just over 80% of our conversations since I began to feel better. It broke my heart that someone, and something that I loved so much would fade away. My efforts to prevent it only sped its demise it appeared.
This is getting really long, but its my final post, so I urge you to continue reading. I won’t ruminate how I feel, because what is the point ultimately? The bottom line is always the bottom line. And the facts remain the facts. I do not like them, but I can’t change them either.
As for her, we had a conversation last night. I felt terrible how it ended. I had implied that she was a bitch (never said it, and never will, or could in a trillion years, because I don’t believe it). All that I was trying to say was that her matter-of-factness style combined with her abrupt ending of the conversation had a negative tone. I was trying to say that that part didn’t help me any. But, I ultimately failed and made it worse. How am I suppose to feel? Someone whom I love, who is my friend, doesn’t want me to talk to them about what is on my mind? I understand that it is late, that I often ramble and get nowhere, and that I probably say things to hurt…a ha…there you have it I suppose. If you ever read this, I know it sounds cliché and all, but I have no reason to lie to you. I never mean to hurt you. Oftentimes, I just talk and things may not come out right. Its just how I am. This causes problems in our communication channel. Whereas I just go and go and go, you stop and filter (or don’t say) things, and each style gets under the others’ skin.
If you are reading this, then I sincerely apologize for putting all of this weight on your shoulders alone. You don’t know how sorry I am. It is easily the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. I decided to tell a couple of people. I know that this won’t be good enough for you, but I am aware of all my shortcomings there. I picked up the phone last night and I called both Lori and Renee. I told them the whole story. I still can’t help but feel that if I was stronger, then I wouldn’t have to worry anyone with any of this. But I am not. With that said, then I will see how far down this path I can get.
If she is reading this, then I would like to thank her for all that she has done for me. I could never explain it in a blog post, but it enabled me to get through one of the worst times in my life. She may trivialize it, but I know that I love her. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t believe me, but it is the only thing that I am certain of. Its the only thing. My love for her burns deeply inside, so strong. I feel like a fool. I feel hurt. I feel scared. I am facing something so big, so scary…something that doesn’t seem to be able to be killed…and I am afraid that I am not up to the task.
I thank you will all my heart. You and your family showed me something that I never seen before. And it was splendid.