Left Behind

 

Way Behind…

I actually have a list of about 7 different things that I have wanted to blog about, so I am just going to pick one…

Left Behind

So the winner is Left Behind.  TA DA! 

I can’t help but feel that life has passed me by.  I am aware that these feelings are mired in selfishness…I should be happy for people leading happy, interesting lives.  I am going to be a dick for a minute however, so please bear with me.  I look around me at my friends and I realize that I haven’t done shit with my life.  I have friends who have went to spring break, friends who have travelled across country by car, by plane…I have friends who do this on a whim!  I have friends who have lived all over the world.  They go out to parties on the weekends and some even go out during the week!  I have friends who have friends…

Acquaintances

Let me explain that last statement as it is a bit quixotic.  I don’t have friends in the classical sense as it were.  Its through my actions, outlook and behavior that I don’t, so don’t get the impression that I Acquaintancesam complaining.  I have many acquaintances, but I don’t have one of THOSE friends anymore.  But rather than dive into that, I will simply say that because I don’t do anything social (MY FAULT), it logically follows that I wouldn’t have much in the friends department.  Essentially, I spend all of my time in solitude.  I am either working, attending to college issues, surfing the internet, or watching the occasional movie.

What I want to blog about is this feeling I have that life has passed my by.  I am at a stage in my life where all of the people I know that are my age are married and/or parents.  I can’t help but feel left out of this part of life currently as I have a few friends (yes…I am aware of the irony.  Its merely easier) whom are currently pregnant.  I have a sister-in-law who is expecting, and three of my friends have had babies in the past year or so.  I knew quite awhile ago that I couldn’t have kids, so while this still stings sometimes, it isn’t as bad as it used to be.

Many of my friends are younger (as I am still a 15 year old mentally!  lol) and they are busy experiencing life in the way that I always wanted to!  They are traveling to places I wanted to go to, and doing things that I have always wanted to do!  On one hand, I am very happy for them!  How could I not be?  But to be honest, the other hand is sad, angry, and a little depressed that my life has turned out this way.

Salt in the Wound

The salt in the wound so to speak is that I don’t have anything to show Salt in the Woundfor it really.  I have been in college for 10+ years, I don’t have a house of my own, nor any significant possessions after the fire.  I realized that while I don’t mind my new job (and am happy to have one!), it isn’t something that I am passionate about.  I want a job that I LOVE and one that I would be more than happy to work at for 15+ hours!  It just doesn’t feel like work when you love the job and the people.  I live near where I was born, and other than my long commute to work or even longer one to school, I haven’t been anywhere.  The worst part?  It isn’t in my future any time soon…screw it…I am listening to the last 1up Yours and I am going to cry. 

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~ by jvaudio on January 30, 2009.

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