I actually have a list of about 7 different things that I have wanted to blog about, so I am just going to pick one…
So the winner is Left Behind. TA DA!
I can’t help but feel that life has passed me by. I am aware that these feelings are mired in selfishness…I should be happy for people leading happy, interesting lives. I am going to be a dick for a minute however, so please bear with me. I look around me at my friends and I realize that I haven’t done shit with my life. I have friends who have went to spring break, friends who have travelled across country by car, by plane…I have friends who do this on a whim! I have friends who have lived all over the world. They go out to parties on the weekends and some even go out during the week! I have friends who have friends…
Let me explain that last statement as it is a bit quixotic. I don’t have friends in the classical sense as it were. Its through my actions, outlook and behavior that I don’t, so don’t get the impression that I am complaining. I have many acquaintances, but I don’t have one of THOSE friends anymore. But rather than dive into that, I will simply say that because I don’t do anything social (MY FAULT), it logically follows that I wouldn’t have much in the friends department. Essentially, I spend all of my time in solitude. I am either working, attending to college issues, surfing the internet, or watching the occasional movie.
What I want to blog about is this feeling I have that life has passed my by. I am at a stage in my life where all of the people I know that are my age are married and/or parents. I can’t help but feel left out of this part of life currently as I have a few friends (yes…I am aware of the irony. Its merely easier) whom are currently pregnant. I have a sister-in-law who is expecting, and three of my friends have had babies in the past year or so. I knew quite awhile ago that I couldn’t have kids, so while this still stings sometimes, it isn’t as bad as it used to be.
Many of my friends are younger (as I am still a 15 year old mentally! lol) and they are busy experiencing life in the way that I always wanted to! They are traveling to places I wanted to go to, and doing things that I have always wanted to do! On one hand, I am very happy for them! How could I not be? But to be honest, the other hand is sad, angry, and a little depressed that my life has turned out this way.
The salt in the wound so to speak is that I don’t have anything to show for it really. I have been in college for 10+ years, I don’t have a house of my own, nor any significant possessions after the fire. I realized that while I don’t mind my new job (and am happy to have one!), it isn’t something that I am passionate about. I want a job that I LOVE and one that I would be more than happy to work at for 15+ hours! It just doesn’t feel like work when you love the job and the people. I live near where I was born, and other than my long commute to work or even longer one to school, I haven’t been anywhere. The worst part? It isn’t in my future any time soon…screw it…I am listening to the last 1up Yours and I am going to cry.